Friendships make up the seams of our lives. They are wonderful and messy and everything in between. I believe we need strong, stable friendships to survive the highs and lows of life. Unlike our family, friends can provide emotional support and relate to situations in ways in which family cannot. Sometimes when we open our hearts to exchange in the emotional labor of friendships, we run the risk of giving up parts of ourselves that we didn’t intend to give. 

Friendship can sometimes cause us to cross lines we didn’t expect to cross. Maybe we are put in uncomfortable positions in order to please our friends or maybe we are forced to make compromises we never intended to make. In the moments when a friendship becomes like a maze, having tools to navigate the tricky moments is essential. Here are five pointers to help you sustain and maintain in your friendships.

1. Understand & Respect Boundaries

In any relationship, there needs to be a mutual understanding of each other’s boundaries. Boundaries within a friendship involve conveying to the other person your values, morals and ethics. Once you set the framework for how you interact with the world and other people, that should signal to the other person how they should interact with you. Likewise, you should reflect on the other person’s boundaries and be mindful of overstepping. If someone is consistently crossing your boundaries, then you should address it with them and see if change results. 

2. Learn to Communicate 

Communication is the key to maintaining a healthy relationship. Many times we assume that friendships come easily and that because they’re not as “serious” as familial or romantic ones we don’t have to put in the hard work. But hard work is necessary. And in this case, hard work means learning how to have healthy communication. Do they leave your messages unanswered for days at a time? Do they use harsh words with you and expect you to brush it off? Do they give you the silent treatment? Knowing how to have regular, healthy exchanges with a friend is essential. You must address the issue if you find that the communication style is unhealthy.

3. Learn How to Apologize 

If the relationship breaks down, you will need to apologize. Apologies should be direct and specific. It’s okay if disagreements occur, but you should be able to come back to the person within a reasonable period of time and exchange apologies. It usually takes two to tangle, so can you each admit where you went wrong and make up? If not, maybe you don’t value the friendship as much as you think. Or maybe your ego is just too inflated to allow you to give or receive an apology. Identify your feelings and reassess! 

4. Show Up Even When it Gets Hard

A good friend is one who shows up during hard times. A bad break up, a hard week at work, a death in the family, these are all moments when we lean on our friends. If in your hardest moments your friend doesn’t show up for you, I think it’s telling. Maybe there’s a reason why they weren’t able to come through. Everyone should be given grace every once in a while. But if it's a consistent failure to show up, if they demonstrate carelessness, then maybe it’s time to assess whether the friend is really worthy of your friendship.