Remember the days in pre-school or elementary when you’d share your snacks with someone at recess and they’d become your BFF? Or the years when the whole class got a birthday party invitation to Chuck-E-Cheese? Those were the good old days when you could stack up friends like pringles chips. As the years went by, it became a little harder to break into friend groups. High school was rough, but college was more positive. You were surrounded by like minded people and there were a million clubs to join, like the MSA, and it was easy to make a bucket of new friends. But once you stepped away from school and fell into the workforce, those opportunities grew few and far in between. Right? And now that you’re a full fledged grown up, your main relationships are with your co-workers who don’t always care to spend time with their peers outside the office. And so you try your hardest to keep up with your childhood and college friends until you realize you’ve outgrown each other. Then what? 

The reality is that making new friends once you enter your late twenties, thirties and forties is just plain hard. Let’s dive into some potential reasons and look at creative ways to make new friends.

Why is it so hard?

I’ve found that the number one reason people have a hard time making new friends is due to their environment. Most adults stick to their routines and often don’t make the time (or effort) to venture off alone into their communities to meet new people. It can be nerve wracking to enter new spaces alone. Seeking new relationships– romantic or platonic– requires a level of vulnerability that not everyone is willing to tap into. 

But let’s say you have the courage, and you change up your routine and you find events at the mosque or at a networking event or a social gathering and encounter new faces. Maybe you strike up a conversation and even exchange numbers, but the acquaintanceship never moves past a coffee and into a real friendship. Why? 

At a certain age (late twenties or early thirties) people grow accustomed to their routine and remain in their bubble. They like the status quo and resist change– even if it’s for the better. They don’t like to challenge themselves with new potential obstacles, which includes entering into a new friendship. Just like romantic relationships, friendships take work. Two people need to achieve the right harmony of compatibility and flexibility to make a relationship stick. Some people decide they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to allow a new person’s problems to take up their mental and emotional energy. Or maybe the person has a demanding family with young children that need all their attention. It’s also possible that they just maintain friendships within their family (think siblings and cousins) which take priority over other non-kin relationships. 

I think people often say they don’t have “time” to make new friends. Or that they are afraid that they will neglect other friendships if they open the door to new ones. I think such excuses are harmful. We need new friends to continue to learn about people and ideas outside our own circles and families. New friendships can lead people to new connections– new marriage prospects, new work opportunities and even new hobbies. We should never limit ourselves when it comes to community. You might not be BFFs with everyone, but there’s always the time to connect with those who are seeking connection. 

Creative Ways to Make New Friends:

If you’re no longer in your school days and are stuck in a routine where you meet the same people and are looking for ways to make new friends. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Use social media & WhatsApp groups:

There are a ton of Muslim focused community groups on Facebook, IG, and WhatsApp. Though they might be groups focused on connecting people for housing purposes or halal food, they will also give you information about local events that you can attend. Tap into them to meet new friends and new opportunities to meet new people.

2. Get involved at the Mosque:

This might be obvious, but becoming an active volunteer or regular congregant in a nearby city or town can help you grow your circle. You don’t have to always go to the same spot–you can mosque hop!

3. Create your own group based on interest/hobbies:

If you’re not seeing the groups that you want, you can create one yourself. Maybe you want to start a Quran circle, book club, or hiking group. You can create a flyer and WhatsApp group and lead the pack. If you’re shy, co-host the group with an existing friend! 

4. Join a Travel Squad:

Have you heard of new Muslim women’s travel groups? Groups like Ma’wa Collective have formed to bring Muslim sisters together to make new friends and travel as a group. There are also retreat centers all across the country (and abroad!) that will allow you to gather with like-minded individuals. 

5. Play Dates:

Lastly, if you’re a parent why not do a playdate with your child’s friend’s parents? Make sure the activity is outside the home and that the parent is also going with you and the kids to embark on fun activities together.