In a world where race and ethnicity play a part in who hires us, and how strangers treat us, it is no surprise that these factors impact who we marry. If you have ever been privy to conversations with matchmaking aunties, I’m sure you’ve seen biodatas passed around that indicate a prospective’s ethnicity, race, and skin tone. Sometimes they even go so far as to name the village in which the marriage candidate’s family comes from back home. In the Muslim community, people are so caught up on creating couples based on racial and ethnic commonalities that they neglect to test basic compatibility. I believe this is one of the reasons we have such a high divorce rate.

As a writer and activist, I was drawn to research and document this unfortunate reality. In 2021, with a team of creative Muslim women I directed a photo series, The Isms Project, where we highlighted the “isms” impacting the Muslim marriage market. Together we told the stories of women who were battling prejudices to find love and marriage, while also finding the inspiration to stay resilient and confident as they continue their hunt. The photo series caught the attention of a few major publications including AJ+ and the Washington Post and has fueled conversations online and in communities across the world. 

Photo Cred: Qamara El-Amin, Isms Project Photo Series 2021

Racism and Colorism

Over the years, I’ve heard countless Romeo & Juliet-esque stories of young Muslim couples being denied their parents’ blessings because they weren’t of the same ethnic origin, or really were just “too Black” to marry. In my own experience as a Black and Latina American Muslim, I’ve noticed that matchmakers, or those in my social circles with ties to eligible bachelors were hesitant to place me because they knew I didn’t fit the initial criteria listed by the men, or worse, their mothers.

Due to ethnic enclaves that exist in our mosques and neighborhoods, many cultural beliefs rooted in ethnocentrism, colorism and racism that were brought with previous generations when they immigrated to the U.S remain intact and are perpetuating the marriage crisis. 

For the photo shoot, I found two women whose experiences searching for love represented the isms of racism and colorism. In one of the photos, the women stand facing mirrors, both experiencing similar isms, yet apart in two separate worlds. Each asks the question: why can’t they see us? 

Photo Cred: Qamara El-Amin, Isms Project Photo Series 2021

The second photo of the women with their heads joined together, and eyes shut, symbolizes female solidarity, and a focus on inner-strength and resilience. No longer cognizant of the outside world, these women will continue their journey to find love and marriage focused on their connection with God, and the other women in the community.

Change for the Future

Can we move past the isms? I believe there is a way we can work towards solving the marriage crisis. I believe the answer lies in increased dialogue about the discrimination that occurs in our community, particularly in regards to women. These conversations should be initiated by our religious leaders. Our imams, scholars, and our parents must step-up in educating not only young Muslims looking to get married, about the best practices to select a spouse, with a focus on discouraging ageism, sexism, racism, and colorism. 

I am really appreciative that companies like VELA support the Isms Project and the goal of eradicating racism/colorism in our community. In 2022, VELA co-sponsored Part 2 of this photo series which focused on sizeism, ableism, and the stigma of divorce. You can check out all the photos and the documentary on my website: Nailahdean.com.