In a world where race and ethnicity influence hiring decisions and how strangers treat us, it is no surprise that these same factors often affect who we marry. If you have ever sat through conversations with matchmaking aunties, you have likely seen biodatas circulated that highlight a prospective spouse’s ethnicity, race, and skin tone. Some even mention the specific village the family comes from back home.

In the Muslim community, many people focus heavily on creating couples based on racial and ethnic similarities while overlooking basic compatibility. This narrow approach is one of the key reasons behind the high divorce rate we see today.

As a writer and activist, I felt compelled to research and document this challenging reality. In 2021, I directed a powerful photo series called The Isms Project with a team of creative Muslim women. The project highlighted the various “isms” affecting the Muslim marriage market. We shared the stories of women who face prejudice while searching for love and marriage, while also showing their resilience and confidence throughout their journey. The series gained attention from major publications like AJ+ and The Washington Post, sparking important conversations in communities worldwide.

Photo Cred: Qamara El-Amin, Isms Project Photo Series 2021

Racism and Colorism

Over the years, I have heard numerous Romeo & Juliet-style stories of young Muslim couples being denied their parents’ blessings simply because they were not from the same ethnic background or were considered “too Black” to marry into the family. As a Black and Latina American Muslim, I have personally experienced how matchmakers and social circles hesitate to introduce me to eligible bachelors because I do not fit their initial racial or ethnic criteria sometimes due to the preferences of the men, or more often, their mothers.

Ethnic enclaves in our mosques and neighborhoods help preserve cultural beliefs rooted in ethnocentrism, colorism, and racism. These attitudes, brought by previous generations of immigrants, continue to fuel the ongoing marriage crisis in our community.

For the photo series, I featured two women whose real-life experiences beautifully represented the issues of racism and colorism. In one striking image, the women stand facing mirrors experiencing similar struggles yet living in separate worlds. Both silently ask the painful question: Why can’t they see us?

Photo Cred: Qamara El-Amin, Isms Project Photo Series 2021

In the second photo, the women stand with their heads gently joined together and eyes closed. This image symbolizes female solidarity, inner strength, and resilience. They tune out the noise of the outside world and focus instead on their connection with God and the supportive sisterhood within the community as they continue their search for love and marriage.

Change for the Future

Can we move past these “isms”? I firmly believe we can work toward solving the Muslim marriage crisis. The solution starts with open and honest dialogue about the discrimination that exists in our community especially toward women.

These important conversations must be led by our religious leaders. Imams, scholars, and parents need to actively educate young Muslims on the best practices for choosing a spouse. The focus should shift toward compatibility, character, and faith while actively discouraging ageism, sexism, racism, and colorism.

I am truly grateful that brands like VELA support initiatives such as The Isms Project and share the goal of eradicating racism and colorism in our community. In 2022, VELA co-sponsored Part 2 of the photo series, which addressed sizeism, ableism, and the stigma around divorce. VELA continues to create space for these important discussions while offering modest fashion choices like woven hijab, modal print hijab, chiffon hijab, jersey hijab, satin silk hijab, pure satin silk hijab, and elegant abayas for women and abayas online that celebrate every Muslim woman’s beauty and confidence. You can view all the photos and the documentary on my website: Nailahdean.com.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Does race matter when choosing a spouse in Muslim marriages?

Race and ethnicity often influence matchmaking, but Islamic teachings emphasize compatibility in faith, character, and values over racial similarities for a successful marriage.

2. What role does colorism play in the Muslim marriage market?

Colorism leads many families to reject potential spouses based on skin tone or ethnic background instead of focusing on piety and compatibility, contributing to the marriage crisis.

3. How can the Muslim community reduce racism and prejudice in marriage?

Through open dialogue led by imams and scholars, with a strong focus on educating youth to prioritize faith and character rather than race, ethnicity, or skin color.

4. Why is compatibility more important than race in Muslim marriages?

Focusing only on racial or ethnic similarity often ignores deeper compatibility, which is a major factor in the high divorce rates seen in the community today.

5. How does VELA support the Muslim community beyond hijabs and abayas?

VELA supports meaningful projects like The Isms Project that address racism and colorism. At the same time, the brand offers beautiful options including woven hijab, print hijab, chiffon hijab set, jersey hijab styles, satin silk hijabs online, and abayas for women for modest everyday wear.