If you’re like me, you didn’t talk to boys with heart-shaped eyes until you were ready to get married. And if that’s the case, your experience trying to decide between whether you’re really into someone for more than their looks might be hard. For both Muslim men and women, one of the big hurdles to jump past is deciding if you have any potential compatibility with a prospective spouse. You might meet someone and feel all the feels that indicate “love,” but because of lack of experience (and too many rom-coms) you might actually just be “in-lust.” So here’s a quick overview of some ways that may help you spot the difference. 

1. Lust:

The textbook definition of lust is a “strong sexual desire.” As Muslims, we are often taught about the dangers of lust and how it could lead to improper behavior (zina) before marriage. Our religion teaches us that as human beings we crave each other in sexual ways. The intrinsic desire to be touched in a sexual manner is natural. Islam doesn’t create shame for feelings like lust, but it creates parameters in which these feelings can be embraced and unleashed. All that to say, some degree of lust is healthy, but in the early stages of a courtship it can harm you because you might miss red flags because your attention is too focused on the physical or sexual attraction. 

When a conversation begins you may be interested in getting to know the person, but you might miss some red flags because your attention is really focused on the physical or sexual attraction. Your attention should be geared towards shared interests, values, and beliefs. A warning sign that you’re too focused on physical appearance is when you step away from a long conversation with the person and realize you didn’t have anything in common or that you found yourself getting lost in their eyes. Worse is if you found yourself ignoring dealbreakers just so you could remain in their good graces.

2. Limerence:

It’s possible that your feelings are tangled up in a weird stage called limerence. A psychologist named Dorothy Tenov, conducted a series of interviews in the 1970s and discovered that some people’s experiences of love were more intense than others. The intensity of their experience of love, or what they perceived to be love, or that act of falling in love, was all consuming. She developed a theory called limerence which describes a state in which someone develops a one-sided relationship based on dreaming up the possibilities with a prospective lover, even if they haven’t confirmed their feelings. Researchers believe that one of the reasons for this fixation is the fact that the relationship is one-sided.

3. Love:

I think the Bell Hooks definition of love based on M. Scott Peck’s philosophy is brilliant: love is “an act of will–namely, both intention and an action. Will also implies choice… we choose to love.” This definition helps us see love as less of something that just happens to us, but rather something we intend and control. That being said, when you first meet someone, or you’re in the initial stages of the relationship, you can’t really make such a huge commitment. You need more time. So any feelings you initially associate with love are really the things that lead to love. 

Regardless of how you’re defining love, if you believe you are there you should have solid proof by way of demonstrating high compatibility to showcase that your feelings could lead to something real: a commitment in sacred matrimony. This is what I love about courtship in the Islamic tradition– we are taught to pay attention to our emotions while constantly looking for evidence to prove to ourselves, our partners and eventually our families, that this prospective will work for a life-long marriage. 

So remember, it doesn’t matter what stage you find yourself in. Always look for the evidence that you could make a stable, healthy and spiritually nurturing marriage with the person you’re talking to.