In every community across the U.S, there is a married Muslim man on the hunt for a second wife. Though it’s still a bit taboo to openly discuss, there are husbands that believe it is their right to secure and maintain multiple wives. I know a woman who fell into such a marriage.

The woman was divorced in her forties and lonely. After several failed courtships, she came to believe that she would never find love and marriage again. She thought the best she could do given her circumstances was become a second wife. However, the conditions in which she entered the marriage were less than ideal. Her new husband could neither afford to give her equal time nor could he afford to pay her rent. After some time, she realized she was not getting her Islamic rights met and she felt used.

Hearing her story made me dig deeper into this current trend in the U.S where men are actively seeking second wives and failing to uphold the Islamic rights of the women involved.

What’s the Islamic Ruling?

It is no secret that Islam allows polygynous marriage, which is marriage of a man to multiple wives. In Surah Al-Nisa, The Women, Allah says a Muslim man can marry up to four wives at one time. However, there is a caveat: he must only do so if he can “deal justly” with them. 

“If you fear you might fail to give orphan women their due rights if you were to marry them, then marry other women of your choice—two, three, or four. But if you are afraid you will fail to maintain justice, then content yourselves with one or those bondwomen in your possession. This way you are less likely to commit injustice.”- Al-Nisa 4:3

Scholars have interpreted the above ayah in conjunction with a later one in that same surah which states: 

“You will never be able to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you may desire to do so, but do not ignore one wife altogether, leaving her suspended…”- Al-Nisa 4:129

It is believed that Allah wanted to keep families intact in a period during which Arab society (pre-Islam) was already engaged in the practice of poly. With that historical context in mind, scholars have interpreted these ayahs to mean that because equal treatment is very difficult (almost impossible), it is better to just marry one woman. 

And yet, today there are Muslim men that make it their life’s mission to have more than one wife. Why?

Misconstruing Prophetic Example

Many men today often refer to the Prophet SWS’s marriages to multiple wives as a way to justify their decision to engage in polygyny. What they usually overlook is the fact that the Prophet SWS was married to Khadijah R.A for over twenty years. During that time he did not take a second wife. After she died, he entered subsequent marriages to women who were majority divorcees or widows. This is another very important detail that many proponents of poly omit because it shows there was necessity for the Prophet’s actions. He was trying to take care of those who did not have as many financial rights and opportunities to care for themselves and their children. 

In seeking more first-person experience on this topic, I spoke with Maryam Abdel (@_maryamabdel) from Philadelphia. After five years of marriage and one daughter, she was faced with a life-changing decision: either accept her husband’s demand to take a second wife or initiate divorce. She chose divorce. 

Now, Maryam is using her social media platform to educate women about their rights. She says while it is common in her community (that consists predominantly of Black American salafis) for men to seek second wives, they aren’t doing so because they value women and want to care for as many as is permissible; they are marrying multiple women to have “halal side-chicks,” (i.e. they want a new outlet to fulfill their sexual desires). 

In some of her videos on Tik Tok, Maryam sheds light on the fact that some men threaten their wives with poly to get her to act in a certain way. She says that this is a form of emotional abuse and is a “weaponization of an Islamic permissibility,” which is completely wrong. 

Conclusion

My goal here is not to bash or discourage those who are looking for poly, but instead to educate. It is important for women, married or single, to understand the historical context of polygynous marriages. You should study and consult with local scholars to understand your rights in marriage as a first, second, or only wife. 

If you’re currently not yet married, one way to protect yourself from poly is to put a clause in your nikkah saying that in the case your husband enters into a second marriage without your consent, he is breaking the marriage contract (consult with your local imam about this). In that manner, the woman does not have to initiate divorce herself which would entail her returning her mehr (dowry). 

Another way to protect yourself is by engaging in conversations with women who are currently or were previously in a polygynous marriage. Ask them questions about their experience to attempt to understand the financial and psychological aspects of that arrangement. 

And the last piece of advice is to have a serious conversation about poly with your prospective husband BEFORE your nikkah. Be open and frank with your potential about your feelings on poly so that you don’t end up in a position years later where actions are taken without your input. In doing so, you will enter a marriage having prepared yourself for all possible outcomes.